I feel awful for not blogging consistently for the last few days but I’ve been busy out of my mind. I need to do a reader post so bad, I’m dreading the thousands of wonderful posts I’ve missed. Hate feeling left out or unaware or missing out. But I can only do so much with 24 hours right?
Well, the last few days I had a deadline. I’ve been asked to publish my master cleanse experience for a publication, have no idea when it will be published, or if it will be published at all. It’s a daily experience of the cleanse and re-reading my journal I sound paranoid schizophrenic merged with OCD. They’ll probably conclude I’m crazy and not include the journal. It was a mental experience more than a bodily one and you will see for yourself below. I’m writing the first paragraph of each day, and if and when it’s published I’ll let you know and you’ll have to buy it. You’ll just have to.
My second attempt at the Master Cleanse, determined to complete 10 days this time and not be duped to failure. The first attempt didn’t last past 8 days, which consisted of gorging on a brownie and a turkey sandwich first thing day 9 rolled around. I was not consumed with hunger for 8 days, nor was I feeling sick or weak throughout the entire process. I was however, suffering from massive relentless cravings. I decided to perform the detox as a means of mental and physical cleansing, as I wasn’t happy about gaining weight and eating sweets compulsively during stressful moments. My relationship to food was not balanced and I wasn’t giving it the mindful attention it deserved. I believed the cleanse would help cure the anxiety ridden eating habits and start fresh. The first attempt failed, I gained 15 pounds in 2 months and gorged on more sweets than ever before. But, the only upside was I discovered a passion for cooking and baking, especially baking, which insatiated my cravings for sweets. I started having dinner parties and impressing my friends with my meals and desserts, a skill I’ve never experimented with in the past. After a few months I figured I’d give it another go, start fresh again and this time, come off the detox correctly, without gorging. So here I am, on Day 1.
The food obsession has begun. I’ve spent hours upon hours browsing food blogs, bookmarking hundreds of recipes that all sound undoubtedly delicious. I can’t seem to contain myself, this self-inflicted torture is reflective of how I see this process altogether, just depriving my body of food but more importantly depriving my mind of nourishment and spiritual filling. I woke up feeling pretty chipper and optimistic that it wasn’t at all bad; no cramps, no cravings, no pangs of hunger, just following a routine taking it all as lightly as possible. I paid one visit to the bathroom after the heinous but tolerable salt water flush, again, one normal lump, and drank 6 cups of lemonade throughout the day, not being able to let myself drink anymore. I notice a metallic aftertaste and a mucus heavy throat, perhaps a result of not smoking mixed with the toxins gradually escaping out of my body. My tongue had a transparent white glean but wasn’t as gross as they tend to be.
I feel lighter and airier today than I have the last 2 days. I’m not hungry, I’ve been eating with my eyes browsing through tastespotting (food porn site) and hundreds of other blogs bookmarking millions of recipes. I haven’t had serious cravings or urges to eat or smoke, I’ve been feeling pretty normal if not a bit weak and aloof. I went jogging last night which felt awesome. I have been going to bed super early, around 10 which I haven’t done in years. I’ve made it a rule never to crawl into bed before midnight because sleeping is a waste of time and I don’t need more than 6 hours. Well, I’ve done some catching up the last 2 days that’s for sure. I haven’t frequented the bathroom the first 2 days as I expected which can only mean there’s a bunch of shit (well intended pun) clogged in there. Today was another matter, I frequented the bathroom and the matter was more diluted. Which is good, I think detox is officially starting today whereas the last 2 days it was preparing to rev up and decompose all that nasty stuff in my intestines. This cleanse is the drano that declogs and cleans up your intestinal and blood pipes. It will make you so fresh and so clean.
I feel just fine today. Just fine. The drastic mood swings from the first day to today might ignite paranoid schizophrenic activities, but at this point I’m just relieved I’m feeling at peace. I went to the bathroom three times from the morning to mid-afternoon and each one was far from solid. The exact opposite actually. I’ve never been this fascinated by my own excrement but I think you would be too when you realize the thin wispy chunks have been disintegrated from the walls of your intestines. It feels good to know you’re getting that accumulated shit out. It alternatively clears my mind and relieves some mental junk that have been cooped up there for a long while.
Today was another good mood day, no irritating mental itches, no barking at the slightly but harmlessly disobedient dog, and no intense fog of unproductivity. I have been wasting late night hours starring at food online, I’m surprised there’s no simulation masturbatory eating toys out there (this must be my calling). I did feel an intense sensation of chills. I was cold the entire day, despite having the heating pad on at max and curling fetus position under a thick down blanket. It started yesterday, but was mild and I gave it no mind. But today it is intense and attacking with full force. My bones were in dire need of a knitted sweater and a mug of steaming hot chocolate. It was quite disheartening, there was only so much ignoring I could do. I went for a brief and easy jog around the park and came home shivering. Mind you it’s winter but it was mild enough where I would normally come back sweating with pink heated cheeks. I definitely didn’t feel this chill the first time around which was in the summer, it must be heightened by the season. Whatever the case, it’s not comfortable and is slightly distracting my writing sessions. This is luckily my only complaint today.
These mood swings are killing me. Today is a quintessential “bad” day. I’m testy and short tempered, I’m dismissing my friends, my co-workers, my dog, short of turning into a combination of hermit and angry caveman. I haven’t showered in 2 days out of laziness and feel existentially dirty. Restlessness and anxiety are my closest friends at the moment, even my morning yoga stretch wasn’t gratifying or releasing. I’m feeling pretty clogged and just getting sick of this cleanse. I simply just want to eat and knowing I’m sacrificing an option to eat is worse than starving out of poverty. I’m obviously hitting a low point, discouraged and skeptical and it’s very possibly tomorrow I’ll hit euphoria and be blessed with good feelings. But right now I’m in the dumps and I want this to be over.
I paid a visit to the bathroom twice today, both times pure brown water. I woke up feeling really cold again and didn’t want to get out of bed. It was a difficult morning, I was lightheaded and weak, my joints were sore from god knows what and was overall out of it. I almost forgot the salt water flush and didn’t snap out of this zombie mode till I had my first lemon juice of the day.
I slipped. I had to help a friend cater a party and functioned as a bus boy clearing empty cups and refilling hor d’oeuvre plates. I walked in determined not to give in and was confident I would do fine. If I knew what was coming I wouldn’t have helped out. There were infinite amounts of crackers, olives, cheese, meat, chocolate, wine and a boisterous crowd that made me want to not care. I was laughing and chatting and instinctively grabbing food from the plates, only to put it back half a second later. Basically as soon as I saw the mound of different cheeses and its accompanying meat dish I salivated and eventually helped myself to a small piece of cheese. This sent a lightning dash of taste and flavor into my mouth and I couldn’t control its feigning greedy hands. Next thing I knew I was hovering over the caterer, uncontrollably helping myself to freshly sliced prosciutto and testing all the cheese blocks. I was unstoppable, a frenzied robot that obviously didn’t know right from wrong. I knew I was going to regret this but at this point all rationale and sense have left me. Friends at the party tried to stop me and warned I was going to writhe in pain very soon but I was also working so they couldn’t strap me with a stray jacket and roll me home. So for the duration of 4 hours I sporadically indulged in the pile of goodness in front of me in between picking up garbage and pouring wine.
I’ve concluded the master cleanse is not the right source of betterment for me. My goal was to reassess my relationship with food and its connection to the body, how it nourished the mind and soul, and how to properly proportion meals with moderation using nutritious ingredients. After my first cleansing I picked up a passion for cooking and baking and gained 15 pounds baking brownies, cakes, pies, tarts, and cookies. I held large dinner parties roasting chicken and standing rib roast, baking savory pies and mixing vegetables in a variety of concoctions. I was never not full and felt myself get fatter and fatter. I was eating compulsively, gluttonously, consumed in guilt. I wanted to start fresh again and hoped the second time around I’d learn my lesson to moderate my portions. From day 10 until day 14 I didn’t stop eating. I was nibbling on some thing or another and convinced myself this was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, twice. Why the hell would I deprive my body and my mind with food knowing how compulsive and obsessive I am, knowing I would only gorge on food shortly after? It didn’t make sense, and it still doesn’t make sense.