I’m not sure how I ran into petitcollage but it sure does reflect my new obsession with babymaking. Yep, you heard it right. Babymaking.
I’ve been struggling with what one would call hysterical pregnancy. Between new babies poppin’ out every other day in our family and being surrounded by breast feeding stroller mamas at Dekalb Market, I’ve been feigning to fill my empty vessel with one of our own. It’s a crazy transformation and some tricked up self-discovery process as my sexuality wanes from that of a single petite Asian girl with a wanted sign blazon across my forehead to that of a female penguin who has found her mate and is preparing her weight-gaining body for motherhood, storing up all that winter fat not suitable for bikinis. My belly has been so bloated lately (overeating, not exercising, eating whilst stressed) that I got all sorts of paranoid and took a pregnancy test, convinced I was preggy when rationally it wasn’t possible. It’s freakish and we’re nowhere near being ready to sacrifice our lives to a child but I can’t help but think if not NOW, then when?
I rationalize it this way: I’m just at the brink of starting my own company under updownacross. It’ll be a cultural website and event production company. I’m so new and still so broke but I’ve come as far as working on my branding, hiring an assistant, and taking up a desk at a coworking space. I figure it’s best to sacrifice a few years to a newborn NOW when I’m still figuring shit out than LATER when I’ve already figured shit out and have to stop my life in its success track for a detour on suburban housewifing. I don’t mind raising a baby whilst broke. I don’t mind raising a baby whilst struggling to manage a 24 hour work day. I don’t mind raising a baby whilst working and playing. However I WILL mind when it keeps me from making 6 figures at the point that I am. I WILL mind when it keeps me from making million dollar deals when that time comes. I WILL mind when it keeps me from recovering to a sexy body form which as you all know is harder when you’re older.
I’m nowhere near rushing. I’m just a bit hysterical. As all things do, I’m sure this will pass. Until then I’ll continue to awwwww over things like craft & design friendly wallpaper and art suitable for my future baby’s decked out room.